Saturday, October 28


The other day, I was walking down the street and I noted a large crowd in front of a condemned building. Curiosity being of my many flaws, I crossed the traffic-free intersection and made my way through the crowd. To the right of me was a woman of middle age, holding a napkin to her nose and looking more than slightly green. I asked her what the trouble was, and she moaned, clearly in a terrible state.

"Oh, it's simply horrid! A poor man, just gutted in the elevator; disembowled, disgraced, his innards everywhere for the passerby to see!"

"My," I said, cocking my head to the side. "You're certainly right. What a terrible invasion of privacy."

Friday, October 27


I saw a woman who was more masculine than most men, and I was content with the knowledge that I was far superior to her only until her stunning boyfriend rushed around the corner and swept her off her feet.

Tuesday, October 24

A really odd old nasty cheese smell

Is it strange to you that there's this really odd old nasty cheese smell that reminds me of you, because it's what the park bench smelled like that first time we hung out together outside of school?

Because there's this really odd old nasty cheese smell and, honestly, I don't think I'd be the same person today if I hadn't had the chance to press my nose agains that park bench.

Monday, October 23

Grow me a penis, my dear

He laughed and said he'd love me if I grew a penis. Secretly I check every single day.

Friday, October 20


And maybe if the story had a happy ending, it wouldn't be so hard to admit that it is the story of our lives.

It doesn't have to be. They made mistakes so that we wouldn't. Why are you making their fate our own? We are not the same as them.

I don't want you to come to me in twenty years to see the baby that is mine but isn't yours. The baby that was born out of a comfortable settlement. The baby that would never know roots in true love.


Yes, Doctor, I'd like to make an appointment. What's the problem? Well, you see, this clear, salty-like water solution... well, it keeps dripping. Dripping from where? Well my eyes of course. Why are you laughing? There are other symptoms. Yes. It feels as if I've swallowed a very large rock and I think there may be something wrong with my heart. It beats loud and deep and it... well it hurts. What do you mean this is all perfectly normal? Let me see your degree. Yes, of course I've had these symptoms before, but... No, sir. No. You must be out of your mind. I'm going to get a second opinion. I'm certain that this is not normal.

I'm certain this shouldn't last this long.

My first boyfriend

No matter who you are or how long you live or what you do with your life, there are a few distinguished things about you that you can never change.

My first boyfriend never kissed me.

I am in love with Aric Butts

The first piece of clothing a boy has ever leant to me was a pair of socks. It was from a very sexy gay boy named Aric, who only gave them to me because mine were wet and messing up his floors.

Thursday, October 19

A Story about Goldfish

In my opinion, we were perfect. We had everything we needed; just us in our fishbowl. Sure, we had the same problems that everyone has. Sometimes we couldn't eat all the food that they gave us. Sometimes kids would tap on the glass and poke at the water. But we-- we were perfect.
We were happy.

Then, you left me. You jumped out of the water. I was alone in the bowl and you had joined a school of fish I couldn't understand. I stewed in my own feces for a few days, swimming in circles and listening as the tapping on the glass grew louder and the water became cloudy and cold.

I remembered what they had said to me about there being so many more fish in the sea and I decided to jump out of the bowl. I don't know what I was expecting to find there; you? Another fish exactly like you? Something completely different? Anything that would make this all go away?

The water was thick and it was hard to swim. The toxins and chemicals had made the seafish mutated and frightening. I didn't like it. I couldn't breathe there. I felt so alone.

So I did the only thing I could do. I came back to the bowl.

But whatever I was looking for wasn't there. Just the same stale water we'd swum through together, the same food pellets we'd shared. The same tapping we'd cursed, the same glass that had kept us in a microcosm of our own, isolated from the rest of the world. Perfect, alone and together.

And they say goldfish can't remember.

As I turned the page...

As I turned the page to the next accounting problem, I stopped breathing. I was the proprietor, and I had his last name. Fate and irony are coldhearted lovers.

I didn't realize...

I didn't realize my house was on fire until a complete stranger opened the front door and I thought to myself over the high-bass classic rock, "Is someone downstairs cooking waffles?"

And as the fight ended...

And as the fight ended, we realized that we have never fought about anything with even the slightest bit of significance.